There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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