Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
