I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
