I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
There's always time for handjobs
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
