For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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