woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
