Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
