allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
