She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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