best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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