I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
