He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
