I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
