Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
