We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
