I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
