kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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