the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
