i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
