his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
50% drunk capacity currently
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
