I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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