I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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