you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
