I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
