i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
