3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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