I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
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Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
