You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
