I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
