When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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