If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
They took my balls.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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