I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
