Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
