me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
