so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
