no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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