I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
