It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
