he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
