I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
