Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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