I just threw up on my dentist
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
