I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
