guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
