I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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