I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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