either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
