Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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