I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
