i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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